#i cried so many times last night
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the finale was a lot of things. am i disappointed as fuck? yes. disappointment and sadness are my main emotions but at least we got an agathario kiss i guess. i’m glad agatha isn’t really gone because if she was i genuinely would have lost it. i’m just pissed because they made it SO MUCH about billy. this felt like agatha and billy’s show when it was supposed to be agatha’s. also heartbroken that we didn’t really get any agathario lore. how did they meet? how did they fall in love? what happened for them to feel this way about each other? i hope we get some kind of backstory because there’s so many questions i have and none of them were answered. i’m just disappointed man. this show was my life and This was how it ended
#i cried so many times last night#because wtf do you mean this is it#agatha harkness#rio vidal#agathario#agatha all along
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me n who ?!?!?!? ME N WHO GUYS ...
picrews: 1 2 3 4
mking silly girlfailure picrews are the only thing saving my sanity which took quite a number of blows today ( its hanging on by the measliest thread but i think its better to consider it go n e )
anyways i wanna make a silly tag game so we are going to make a silly tag game because in the wise words of martin luther king i think wait it was probably gandhi "be the change you wish to see in the world" arent i so cool guys im taking like the first step forward and :stareyes: ahahah
(no pressure) tags !! 🏷️ : @cienxpidity, @ilyuu, @anonbinaryweirdo, @suntoru, @tuesdayberries, @lume-nosity, @mrcrazyvillainvillainn, @ceneid, @amalythea, @xianyoon, @aeon-yao, @ryuryuryuyurboat, @auroratumbles, @snobwaffles, @the-white-void + everyone i probably forgot to tag (SPS IM SORRY) n anyone else whod like to join !!
#💬 ⌗ 𝐚𝐧 𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐜𝐭'𝐬 𝐫𝐚𝐦𝐛𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 . . . ✧#i was in a very silly mood ( mental breakdown ish ) i cried like 16 times in the past hour and that's probably not a good thing but HEY#its fine#im so fine#im so#im so...#*perishes*#begone negativity#its time for me and my delusions#speaking of delusions i actually had the WILDEST Dream last night#and its so crazy because its like the first dream I've had in the past year that's not about a fictional character#yes im pathtetic#carrying on#and i was like escaping from t h e. m a. n i n t he. h a l l w a y#and i was like runnning away yk and then shrek comes over and helps me out by defenestrating me and so i land in some bushes and then start#like putting candy into a bag??? and im like HURRY UP SHREK HES GONNA COME AFTER US#and then i got to this like cult area#where it splits into two paths and i remember it so vividly because there was this gate security and i had to type in my student id to get#and so it opens up to this room and there's two pathways#the one to the right has this giant ass shrine golden statue surrounded by a bunch of children#and the one i go to has little cube spaces caved into the walls for like little decorations and a stair for like a lower other half of the#room#and theres a bunch of children and my irls#and so we break outta there yk#we escape#we get out#and we run into like osme shopping place#and my friend is planning to abandon me with her other friend and they're running away to china#but they refuse to take me with them (ultimate betrayal)#HELP edit but the tags didnt show up cause there were too many...
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no one would notice if i ever vanished // if bodies could sustain // this never-ending army // like blood pumping through a vein
(click for better resolution!)
:OOO hello. anyway since these are all posters i'd have in an ideal world or smth and i'd like to store the high res versions somewhere,,, here's the google drive folder for them? hehe ''
close up!
#adamandi#vincent aurelius lin#i'm back with the posters! or smth! idk!!#i'm maybe just a bit obsessed with vincent. such a Character.#where can i run is sustaining me single-handedly through this exam season (<- has cried thrice in the last two days; alas; but moving on)#my stress response was that in a fit of apathy i shut myself down from academia and stopped to paint this#six hours total? on this funky little thing! had to push myself to finish the magnifying glass but!! looks so cool. i'm impressed with my e#fun fact: all the shades are hand-coloured. aka everything is digitally hand painted hooray!! i havent painted for a long time (ish)#smth about this musical makes me want to paint. it's very lovely that way#it's also a miracle i haven't gotten carpal tunnel or any wrist injuries so far... i'm a lucky person! hooray#i had so many thoughts to ramble about and now i don't recall any of them.#-! about this piece: inspired specifically by that one line that i doodled in the margins of a math practice last night#the diagonal slant was very. thinky. the rendering and angle were kinda contradictory to do but it's fineeee (draft was diff. pov)#i liked the red abstraction. and the way that people (misc) gave same vibes as red blood cells.#green for vincent because contrasting colour!! considered a spotlight that was more obv bc. again theatre lighting is so cool. but that was#a bit too literal? i think. so just fun little highlights. no one look at the accuracy of anything here though.. shadows do Not do this#also like hehehe lin. forest. forest of people. i really liked thinking about that. hehehe#i didn't know the font to use!! or quote!! so i slapped on the name of the musical and called it a day... the blank one is in the google-#-folder if you want to add your own stuff :') also also i wasn't sure about cropping at all. so again high res in google drive link#which is under the keep-reading sign! kind of a choose your own adventure because i'm lazy :3#ajhshdhfhfhfhf i think i've been fuelled by the tags under each post so far. so intensely. so very nice.#also when the cast or creators drop fun facts... serotonin right there.. they're all so nice waaagh it's so cool that they like my stuff ><#<laughs> really grateful that the whole fandom's so sweet <3 thank you for your support TvT#alright!! off to mess about with chemistry. jiayou me.#oh yes. a post script about the cropping crisis: i wasn't sure how small i wanted to make him. in proportion to the crowd. so if you see it#on mobile ig it's tiny and on laptop it kind of makes sense ...
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just read the most devastating piece of ivan writing. there are tears in my eyes. i do Not know what to do with myself anymore.
#its genuinely beautiful. many times i have gasped while reading it#top 10 pieces of writing that will leave me staring at my ceiling in the middle of the night#“I hope he still knows how to smile. I hope he smiles at me once more. I hope it’s the last thing I see.”#what if i cried so hard my the force of my wails shook the earth and sliced a chasm into the ground. what if we all fell in#alnst#alien stage#alien stage ivan#alnst ivan#fanfic rec#random
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vent-ish thing, there’s nothing really triggering but Imma put the keep reading thing there just cus
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#cddwtd#cddwtd lily#my art#lily rose#animatic#vent#THIS SHI TOOK SO MANY TRIES TO UPLOAD#last night I was trying so hard#I gave up and cried#anyways#I'm scared of this happening#losing feelings for someone as soon as they return said feelings#it's been a problem for me for a long time fdklg
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not to be sentimental on main but life literally gets so much better when u grow up
#if you know me irl don’t @ me for my sappiness but i am having so many emotions waking up at 7am in our new apartment#for the first time and my love is still sleeping and i made us both coffee#we put up shower curtains yesterday ?? and cried afterwards because we’ve finally moved in together?? after wanting to for years#literally life only gets better ?? i used to be seventeen and terrified of the future#and terrified that i was going to carry all the anger and fear of my family home into any new place i lived but now#i’m putting the bowls we had ice cream in last night into the dishwasher the next morning and everything is good#and i am safe and loved and not seventeen anymore#i. ah#op
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moving away to university tomorrow and had my 19th birthday party yesterday and my friend made an 8 long video to all my friends by lcd sound system from clips of us all dancing and having fun the past two years 😭 i love her so much and it made everyone cry
#my friend who has said so many times he can’t cry and worries about it cried so hard in my arms last night#and said without meeting me he’d be a different person i love him more than anything in the world#and then we sat on the beach til 5:30 am and sang to yours & mine by lucy dacus
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nevermind about the male manipulator music FUCKK THIS!!
#venting-ish in tags dont read thes e..... i just need to rant so. trigger. warning for sh i think? mention#its not that serious i am just talking#WHY IS LISTENINH TO SOME SONGS SO HARDSUAHAJ dude i saw some tiktok to nights like these by pigeon pit DO NOT PLAY THAT SONG AROUND ME.#OHHH MY LORDDD i was so close to relapsin g.... over a song..... crazyzyy....#i guess its songs i listened to when i was actively shing because like i. will cry#or even when i was clean and like. just. sad like i feel so many emotions??#pigeon pit when i catch you..#actually if you ever catch me listening to nights like these i need a wellness check#i cried so hard last time i listened to it#because i always forget that. i used to be like Sad#moreee than sad but you know. in a bad mental state i guess and its liek YOU REMINDED ME!!#not just that song there are others#ok rant over thank you diary
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i am Not doing well folks
#cried last night bc i was subjected to pics of taehyung in that fucking camoflauge already#sobbed this morning while watching jimin choke up about his hair#woke up crying again when jungkook turned his live on#bawled to yes or no for some reason#W E P T when take two came on shuffle literally harder than i've ever cried to that song (which is many times)#i had to go jump in the shower to drown out the sound of me audibly crying in case anyone heard me#then i was like. Bent over in there and when i got out just fucking. Standing there crying and crying and crying#this is all so heartbreaking and dramatic like imagine just being able to watch this happen with a neutral attitude#it's hitting me in bursts that gradually get worse#anyway i'm already compiling clips for Another vmin gifset
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why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up
#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director#and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production#and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out#but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again#i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately#so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me#i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me#i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added#and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad#anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much.#but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great#but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else#but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing#and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us#and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing#and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more#especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this.#and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not.#and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING#and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine.#but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad.#because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented#if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that.#but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent.#and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt#i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried.#and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over.#i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help#and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh#brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.
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Turns out I have an anxious attachment style? Who would have guessed 😂
#watching videos on it and reading about it today seems so obvious#I get so so so anxious when I’m not with him and crave his attention#whereas he is like the DEFINITION of secure attachment#so what I’m basically trying to do is act like he would act#be in the moment and don’t worry#because the other night there were awkward moments and he didn’t ride the bus home with me#so naturally I cried as soon as I got home and in the morning too#and the weekend before my holiday I checked if he’d looked at my message so many times it made me worried he was dead#so baby has some work to do to become a bit more calm and level headed about this situation#as the last thing I want to do is ruin this#it’s too precious#personal#relationships
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感動
每次看到嘎嘎跳舞都好感動， 特別特別珍惜， 在舞台上的他閃閃發光， 恣意，舒展，意氣風發， 好耀眼，好迷人， 謝謝帶來這麼棒的舞台(比心)， 昨晚當我陶醉在嘎嘎的舞蹈的時候， 看到各位顯微鏡女孩討論戒指， 正在哭泣的我，破涕為笑， 救命呀，I 服了 U 2， 翻看舞台演出的視頻，又哭了， 哭哭笑笑，笑笑哭哭， 一個很難忘的晚上。
#畫#影像創作#繪畫#雲次方#阿雲嘎#artwork#art#illustration#drawing#doodle#tegaki#fanart#yuncifang#ayunga#ayanga#17th asian film awards#accepted into the lead dancer in the Inner Mongolian PLA Song and Dance Troupe at the age of 14 and became a lead dancer#decided to be a beijing drifter and left the army#hurt his leg and back when he was saving money for university tuition fees#doctor told him to quit dancing unless he wanted to stay in the wheelchair for the rest of his life#got to give up dancing and started exploring his possibilities in music#his story is really inspiring and gives me lots of positive energy#he can still dance a little bit#when he dances it's like a sparkle on stage#his fans are so touched#i can't remember how many times i cried last night
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Funny. I was thinking just yesterday about how it had been awhile (almost a year) since I had a good old fashioned fainting spell. And the last time I had one I didn't even think I was dying like a lot of other times I've had them in the past. Well then last night (tonight? Today?) between 2 and 3 in the morning I went to the bathroom, washed my hands, was thinking "man this feels like so much effort I'm so tired" when I turned around to dry them, and then I realized I was on the floor somehow in the fight of my life with the perception of consciousness again.
#i can't be certain how many times i lost consciousness bc i tried to stay on the floor after that#ive learned the hard way not to try to get up once you're down until you're really sure it's over#it's not just gonna be once. i stay in limbo for well. who knows how long!#literally who knows. not me. i was the one unable to hold onto waking#tales from diana#fainting cw#health cw#luckily. whenever it was i first realized i was fainting i had the instinct to sit on the ground#not comfortably. but when i realized what was happening i noticed i was facing the closet leaning my back on the sink#so i mitigated a possible concussion#last time i had one in the middle of the night like this by myself (5ish years ago) i didn't tell my doctor till my next physical#and she was like 'why didnt you come? you couldve had a concussion' and i was freaked out by that#my head hurts a little but not much so i think injury-wise im probably ok#but i should go to the hospital or something today... now that i know i have hashimoto's disease#im wondering if that was some kind of thyroid attack or smth#and they weren't gonna schedule me to see an endocrinologist till DECEMBER#yeah i cried a little when i woke up this morning about it#im just so sad. i can't stop suffering i can't stop being in pain#ruins everything. i was gonna see my family today#i have so many things i wanna do but i can't even dry my hands in the middle of the night anymore
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alright man my mom has every fuckin reason to be mad at me
#.bdo#i've been on seroquel for a while now#and I know it's not safe to mix it w alcohol but I've never had this experience#but it wasn't my alcohol so that wasn't cool.#but that isn't the issue. my mom never cries and she cried today#because she was so scared. she told me she was worried about me falling back asleep#my room is DESTROYED so I must have been blacked out for a bit last night#I am taking full responsibility that was fucking stupid of me and I feel horrible for making my mom so scared#thank god I woke up at like 3am bc if I tried to get that water while blacked out I could have killed myself and that's not a joke#BUT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW IT'S BEEN A WHOLE DAY AND I'M STILL DIZZY AND WANT TO SLEEP#I HAVE DRANK ON THESE MEDS MANY TIMES I JUST FALL ASLEEP
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i’m so tired and angry i can’t believe it’s just the beginning....
#i cried 3 times since yesterday#my first exam is in 2 days#and the last one.. in a month.#it's not even about the exams tbh#but spending HALF of my monthly pay on train tickets and one (1) night at a hotel was a bit too much for me lol#and i had to make many calls to friends/family to find a place i could stay at#bc train tickets are so expensive i literally can't afford staying at the hotel too#and my friends were so helpful and lovely#but first i wanted to ask my uncle.. bc yk. close family. that guy is even my godfather. and he treated me like shit lmaoo i got so angry#i cried at work bc i couldn't believe this#like we know each other well i know he's not the kindest person. but his reaction?? honestly that might be the last time i talked to him#sorry for being so vague i don't have the energy to tell you what happened sdfghjs#but anyway. can you believe i'm literally less stressed abt the actual exams than i am about the commute/accomodation?#but ngl i am also stressed abt the exams. a bit. mostly because some of our professors still haven't sent us the materials for exams#and one of them in on sunday lmaooo this is fine i can memorize everything in one evening. right?#also bc my previous uni experiences literally traumatized me. but it's gonna be FINE i'm gonna be FINE i just need to. focus#i'm taking a day off tomorrow and i hope it will help me calm down#k.txt#sorry for losing my mind on main <3 if you've read this far i'm sending you a kiss <3
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what if i got home from work and immediately had to do stuff for the house/my dad till 1 am then went to sleep so hard i didn’t dream then went back to work huh. what if that happened
#personal#i got six hours last night and that was the most i have gotten in several days#i mean my fault but it’s mostly like i’m gonna cut into my sleep time to have any free time#but anyway 10+ hour shifts 5+ hours cleaning/ helping my dad then sleep then immediately back at work#i was talking to my mom how bad life is yesterday and she was like but ur so skinny 😍#i did chew her out but we worked it out and i did admit the weight loss has made me feel better during all of this#but probably not great that i’m enjoying it you know? but anyway#but the lady who’s coming to live with us to help with dad came yesterday night so!#she was helping him when i woke up and left for work#definitely will be an adjustment to live with a stranger and god pleae please#let my parents keep the house normal enough for a human being#and i’m gonna have to actually make sure the house is clean bc that’s not fair to her#anyway will be a big adjustment but if i can sleep that’d be so fucking nice#i already cried at work but maybe i leave early? i wont i have 4/6 occurances just from calling out for my dad#but also hehe. one drops off in 9 days maybe i don’t give a shit#but also if i’m gonna get an occurrence might as well get a full day#many thoughts probably will stay the whole day#i told my mom when this is all settled i’m taking a vacation and not doing a single responsible thing#i hope she can take a vacation soon too#but yeah second we have this settled im not working for 2 weeks not even joking
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